Sunday, August 2, 2009

For Immediate Release


New series to be “the comics event of the eight to twelve months it takes to release all seven issues”

Ten months after everyone else jumped on the bandwagon, DC Comics was pleased to announce Friday that Barack Obama would finally appear alongside such superheroes as Superman, Batman, and Arm Fall Off Boy, but not, they hastened to add Spider-Man or Iron Man. Said DC Comics Publisher Paul Levitz,“Those characters belong to another company. Who let this guy in here?”

In the wake of the Grant Morrison-penned miniseries Financial Crisis, universally panned by comic and economic fans alike for presenting the global economic recession as the product of a lack of imagination on the part of corporate interests, some at DC were reluctant to once again include real world elements in a major comics crossover event.

“It’s true, I didn’t really want to feature President Obama in our comics,” said DC Executive Editor Dan DiDio. “But sales of Amazing Spider-Man #583 were enough to convince (DC parent company) Time Warner to say, ‘Get on board the Obama money train before it leaves the station or your bald ass is fired.’”

During the next DC Creators summit, Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison, along with the seventeen other exclusive DC writers nobody pays any attention to, were tasked with bringing Barack Obama into the DCU in a way that nobody would ever forget. The result: BARACKEST NIGHT. “It was Geoff Johns who came up with it, though I’m pretty sure I saw Grant put something in his drink. Right after Geoff suggested it, he started screaming something about bats and had to be physically restrained as he tried to take all his clothes off.”

Morrison continued the story of BARACKEST NIGHT’s creation in an unintelligible Scottish accent. After politely asking the eccentric popmag!c superstar never to speak on DC’s behalf ever again, DiDio said, “The bottom line is this: we’re going to have Obama in our comics, presented in a way we haven’t seen before outside of Fox News: as the ultimate supervillain.

“With world finance in a continuing freefall, a failing attempt to bring about a public health care system the vast majority of Americans wholeheartedly support, and plagued by lunatics insisting he offer up his birth certificate, Obama does what anyone else would do: he uses the Spear of Destiny (last seen in Roy Thomas’ All-Star Squadron, I think) to summon the Antiguardians of the Universe from their home planet of O’a’.

“The Antiguardians offer Obama the power of the Long Green Lantern to turn all his hopes for America into reality. All he must surrender is his soul. He accepts the bargain, and hears the words that will utterly, completely, no-BS I mean it this time, totally 4realz Uguyz, change the DC Universe forever: ‘National Deficit: Rise.’ It’s up to the superheroes of the DCU, specifically Hal Jordan and the other members of what’s now known as the Short Green Lantern Corps and, because their book’s sales numbers suck, The Outsiders, to avert disaster.”

The creative team for the series includes legendary artists George Perez, Jim Lee, JG Jones, Frank Quitely, Rob Liefeld, Adam Kubert, and a bunch of others that’ll be brought in at the last minute when it becomes clear the original team couldn’t meet a deadline with a gun to their heads. As for writing chores, said DiDio, “After Grant Morrison told me to piss off and with Geoff Johns spending some time at a California state mental facility, it was clear to everyone there was only one man who could do this book justice, a manly man, a real man, a manly real manly man, and that real manly manly real manly man is Chuck Dixon.”

According to Dixon, “Writing a major DC Comics crossover is the culmination of my comics career.” He added, “Is waterboarding torture? I’ll concede that it is. Does it represent a shameful period in American history that we all need to forever beat ourselves up over? No.”


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