Jim Lee: So here's a thought: why don't we kick Gail Simone off a book she clearly loves and prevent all but one of our creators from using Superman in the DC Universe continuity, especially the guy we've got lined up to take over Action Comics, and let fan-favourite JM Straczynski take Supes and Wonder Woman to new heights?
Dan Didio: By new heights, do you mean completely ignoring and/or needlessly changing everything about the characters that has made them pop culture icons for decades?
Lee: Yeah! Like he did with Spider-Man!
Didio: I love this. LOVE. IT. I've only got one tweak I'd like to make.
Lee: Lay it on me, Danny-baby.
Didio: Let's let JMS start long-term storylines featuring these, these--
Lee: All-Star Batman'd.
Didio: --these All-Star Batman'd versions of the characters, and solicit the books before we're sure we can produce them on anything resembling a monthly schedule--
Lee: That kinda goes without saying, doesn't it...?
Didio: No, I haven't got to the best part yet--We let him do this, start these major, history-making, character-enhancing storylines, and then, you're gonna love this--then we encourage him to leave the titles in MID-STORYLINE to work on something that'll stroke his ego even more than writing two of the best known franchises known to man and replace him with writers nobody cares about. Someone like JT Krul.
Lee: He still hasn't given you the negatives, huh?
Didio: By hook or by crook, I'm gonna get those pictures, and when I do, so help me...
Lee: I'm not big on the Krul thing. Shouldn't we use someone 98% of our loyal readership doesn't loathe? Someone who knows how to write a solid, entertaining comic?
Geoff Johns (walking in): You need someone to write something? I've got a few minutes. I mean, I need to go to the bathroom, but I could hold it in until you tell me what you need--
Didio & Lee: Shut up, Geoff.
Geoff Johns: Whatever you want, guys. You all doing OK, don't need anything? Water? Diet Coke? No? OK, if you need me I'll be in the can writing another episode of Smallville!
(Johns leaves)
Lee: How someone like that managed to make Green Lantern seem cool, I'll never know.
Didio: OK, back to Superman and Wonder Woman. So we don't use JT. What about Phil Hester?
Lee: Yeah, him or maybe that Roberson kid.
Didio: Well, JMS is going to be abandoning two of our three flagship characters' titles mid-storyline-- (shivers with pleasure) --Why just throw one writer to the wolves when we can poison the longtime career dreams of two?
Lee: My god.
Didio: I know, right?
Lee and Didio: WE'RE #@%&ING BRILLIANT!
***
Nope. I just do not understand how this was allowed to happen. Good luck to Phil Hester and Chris Roberson, though. They've both got tough rows to hoe.
A
Showing posts with label DC comics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DC comics. Show all posts
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Sunday, August 2, 2009
For Immediate Release
DC COMICS ANNOUNCES “BARACKEST NIGHT”
New series to be “the comics event of the eight to twelve months it takes to release all seven issues”
Ten months after everyone else jumped on the bandwagon, DC Comics was pleased to announce Friday that Barack Obama would finally appear alongside such superheroes as Superman, Batman, and Arm Fall Off Boy, but not, they hastened to add Spider-Man or Iron Man. Said DC Comics Publisher Paul Levitz,“Those characters belong to another company. Who let this guy in here?”
In the wake of the Grant Morrison-penned miniseries Financial Crisis, universally panned by comic and economic fans alike for presenting the global economic recession as the product of a lack of imagination on the part of corporate interests, some at DC were reluctant to once again include real world elements in a major comics crossover event.
“It’s true, I didn’t really want to feature President Obama in our comics,” said DC Executive Editor Dan DiDio. “But sales of Amazing Spider-Man #583 were enough to convince (DC parent company) Time Warner to say, ‘Get on board the Obama money train before it leaves the station or your bald ass is fired.’”
During the next DC Creators summit, Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison, along with the seventeen other exclusive DC writers nobody pays any attention to, were tasked with bringing Barack Obama into the DCU in a way that nobody would ever forget. The result: BARACKEST NIGHT. “It was Geoff Johns who came up with it, though I’m pretty sure I saw Grant put something in his drink. Right after Geoff suggested it, he started screaming something about bats and had to be physically restrained as he tried to take all his clothes off.”
Morrison continued the story of BARACKEST NIGHT’s creation in an unintelligible Scottish accent. After politely asking the eccentric popmag!c superstar never to speak on DC’s behalf ever again, DiDio said, “The bottom line is this: we’re going to have Obama in our comics, presented in a way we haven’t seen before outside of Fox News: as the ultimate supervillain.
“With world finance in a continuing freefall, a failing attempt to bring about a public health care system the vast majority of Americans wholeheartedly support, and plagued by lunatics insisting he offer up his birth certificate, Obama does what anyone else would do: he uses the Spear of Destiny (last seen in Roy Thomas’ All-Star Squadron, I think) to summon the Antiguardians of the Universe from their home planet of O’a’.
“The Antiguardians offer Obama the power of the Long Green Lantern to turn all his hopes for America into reality. All he must surrender is his soul. He accepts the bargain, and hears the words that will utterly, completely, no-BS I mean it this time, totally 4realz Uguyz, change the DC Universe forever: ‘National Deficit: Rise.’ It’s up to the superheroes of the DCU, specifically Hal Jordan and the other members of what’s now known as the Short Green Lantern Corps and, because their book’s sales numbers suck, The Outsiders, to avert disaster.”
The creative team for the series includes legendary artists George Perez, Jim Lee, JG Jones, Frank Quitely, Rob Liefeld, Adam Kubert, and a bunch of others that’ll be brought in at the last minute when it becomes clear the original team couldn’t meet a deadline with a gun to their heads. As for writing chores, said DiDio, “After Grant Morrison told me to piss off and with Geoff Johns spending some time at a California state mental facility, it was clear to everyone there was only one man who could do this book justice, a manly man, a real man, a manly real manly man, and that real manly manly real manly man is Chuck Dixon.”
According to Dixon, “Writing a major DC Comics crossover is the culmination of my comics career.” He added, “Is waterboarding torture? I’ll concede that it is. Does it represent a shameful period in American history that we all need to forever beat ourselves up over? No.”
###
New series to be “the comics event of the eight to twelve months it takes to release all seven issues”
Ten months after everyone else jumped on the bandwagon, DC Comics was pleased to announce Friday that Barack Obama would finally appear alongside such superheroes as Superman, Batman, and Arm Fall Off Boy, but not, they hastened to add Spider-Man or Iron Man. Said DC Comics Publisher Paul Levitz,“Those characters belong to another company. Who let this guy in here?”
In the wake of the Grant Morrison-penned miniseries Financial Crisis, universally panned by comic and economic fans alike for presenting the global economic recession as the product of a lack of imagination on the part of corporate interests, some at DC were reluctant to once again include real world elements in a major comics crossover event.
“It’s true, I didn’t really want to feature President Obama in our comics,” said DC Executive Editor Dan DiDio. “But sales of Amazing Spider-Man #583 were enough to convince (DC parent company) Time Warner to say, ‘Get on board the Obama money train before it leaves the station or your bald ass is fired.’”
During the next DC Creators summit, Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison, along with the seventeen other exclusive DC writers nobody pays any attention to, were tasked with bringing Barack Obama into the DCU in a way that nobody would ever forget. The result: BARACKEST NIGHT. “It was Geoff Johns who came up with it, though I’m pretty sure I saw Grant put something in his drink. Right after Geoff suggested it, he started screaming something about bats and had to be physically restrained as he tried to take all his clothes off.”
Morrison continued the story of BARACKEST NIGHT’s creation in an unintelligible Scottish accent. After politely asking the eccentric popmag!c superstar never to speak on DC’s behalf ever again, DiDio said, “The bottom line is this: we’re going to have Obama in our comics, presented in a way we haven’t seen before outside of Fox News: as the ultimate supervillain.
“With world finance in a continuing freefall, a failing attempt to bring about a public health care system the vast majority of Americans wholeheartedly support, and plagued by lunatics insisting he offer up his birth certificate, Obama does what anyone else would do: he uses the Spear of Destiny (last seen in Roy Thomas’ All-Star Squadron, I think) to summon the Antiguardians of the Universe from their home planet of O’a’.
“The Antiguardians offer Obama the power of the Long Green Lantern to turn all his hopes for America into reality. All he must surrender is his soul. He accepts the bargain, and hears the words that will utterly, completely, no-BS I mean it this time, totally 4realz Uguyz, change the DC Universe forever: ‘National Deficit: Rise.’ It’s up to the superheroes of the DCU, specifically Hal Jordan and the other members of what’s now known as the Short Green Lantern Corps and, because their book’s sales numbers suck, The Outsiders, to avert disaster.”
The creative team for the series includes legendary artists George Perez, Jim Lee, JG Jones, Frank Quitely, Rob Liefeld, Adam Kubert, and a bunch of others that’ll be brought in at the last minute when it becomes clear the original team couldn’t meet a deadline with a gun to their heads. As for writing chores, said DiDio, “After Grant Morrison told me to piss off and with Geoff Johns spending some time at a California state mental facility, it was clear to everyone there was only one man who could do this book justice, a manly man, a real man, a manly real manly man, and that real manly manly real manly man is Chuck Dixon.”
According to Dixon, “Writing a major DC Comics crossover is the culmination of my comics career.” He added, “Is waterboarding torture? I’ll concede that it is. Does it represent a shameful period in American history that we all need to forever beat ourselves up over? No.”
###
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